Soul Reflection: A Collection of Poems, Essays & Short Stories Read online

  “But,” I interrupted her, “I deserved what was happening, not him. It was my punishment! Mine! Not his!”

  “Who can understand all the ways of love?” she demanded. “Who can fathom its depths? He loved you, so he took your place, because that is what love does. Accept it, please! Don’t let his sacrifice be in vain. He didn’t do it for you to live your life in shame and guilt because he took your place, he did it so that you could be free. He did it because he loved you. He found you to be worthy of such a sacrifice, and even if you don’t think the same, it can’t change what has happened. If you weren’t worthy before, you are now, because his death made it so. But, I beg you, accept this priceless gift, accept this second chance for a new life! You have been redeemed, your punishment taken away, your sins forgiven. It is not up to you to understand, it is up to you accept this freedom. Will you?

  ‘A Stranger’s Love’ was a bit difficult for me to write, as I had never truly given any in-depth thought to the crucifixion. While I’d read the passage in the Bible multiple times, had attended countless Good Friday and Easter Sunday services, it never really hit home until I was inspired to write this piece. I struggled to aptly express my feelings as for the first time, I put myself in Jesus’ place, made myself feel a hint of what He felt. It was horrible, and it really made me realize just how much He loves me. I also realized that I struggle with feeling worthy of God’s love, and brought that point out in the story, and I hope that if there is only one thing you walk away with from reading it, it’s that you are worthy of the cross, you are worthy of God’s love, and that will never change.

  The Pool of Reflection

  If you could see your soul’s reflection, would you like it?

  When I was a child, my parents often told me stories about a magical pool that was said to reflect your soul. Everyone’s reflection was different, and I longed to find the pool, to see my reflection – my true reflection.

  For years, I searched for it, tracking down every lead I got, and when I was 23, I finally found it. It was in northern Austria, high in the mountains, and I could only shiver with apprehension as I stood in the small airport in the town of ‘die Richtigkeit,’* which lay at the bottom of the mountains the pool was said to be located in.

  But was this something I really wanted? Did I truly want to see my real reflection? But on the other hand, why should I be afraid? I mean, I’m a good person, so my soul should be pretty, full of glitter and flowers, right? To be honest, though, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

  I shrugged into my backpack. Well, I’d come too far to back out now, I’d given too much -of everything- to walk away, so, tightening my jaw, I strode outside into the crisp summer air and went straight to a sports shop where I bought all the necessary supplies for the final leg of my journey. A journey that would leave me questioning every thought I’d ever had.

  Three hours and a cup of hot chocolate later, I stared up at the looming mountains, their snow-covered peaks looking down on me with menacing glares, wishing for a moment that I wasn’t the only one who’d been interested in finding the Pool of Reflection. Though clad in new hiking gear, I still shivered, feeling very small, but I forced myself to take the first step – the hardest step - and began my journey.

  Three days later, I finished setting up camp on a rocky overlook, something I’d become quite skilled at over the last two nights. I made a small campfire a few feet away from my tent, then feasted on some bread and jerky, sipping a cup of tea. The wind whistled past me, the lights of ‘die Richtigkeit’* flickering far below as I thought about the future, what it might bring. When I turned in for the night, I couldn’t help but let out a sigh, wondering if I was doing the right thing, wondering if I was going to regret my decision to make this journey.

  The next morning found me on the trail a little after the break of dawn, and I continually checked my map, something that had cost me a great deal. Despite the cool temperatures, sweat dripped off my face as I crested a rocky hill. With a sharp intake of breath that burned my throat, I took in the sight below me.

  Nestled between two high mountains was a large pool of shimmering water, its surface reflecting the sun back into my eyes, and I blinked, clearing my vision. It was surrounded by lush green grass that was dotted with wildflowers and the occasional fir tree, and the beauty of it was unlike anything I’d ever seen. After years of searching, I had finally found it.

  It took over an hour to finally reach the pool that was oddly still, and I noticed there seemed to be no signs of wild life anywhere in the valley. Easing out of my gear and leaving it in a pile half way, I cautiously made my way to the edge of the water, kneeling on the grassy shore, my breath in my throat, hands shaking. I leaned over the glistening liquid, eager, yet frightened, and froze.

  I had expected to see my reflection as I saw it in any mirror, but I didn’t. Gone were my green eyes and black hair, my flushed skin and freckled nose, and in its place was something I can only describe as hideous.

  A creature looked back at me, its lash-less yellow eyes bloodshot. Its brownish skin was mottled with oozing sores, and its mouth parted as I gasped, revealing jagged, broken teeth. Patches of bristles covered its head, and I felt my body try to shrink away even as something in my chest reached forward, as if in recognition. I realized then that what I was gaping at, this horrible, evil creature, was me.

  “Surprised?” my reflection asked, laughing quietly.

  I gave a slow nod, halting in my retreat, noting that the creature’s ugliness seemed familiar. Too familiar.

  “Don’t be,” it said. “I’m you and you’re me, so no need to fear, though I can see why you might, this being your first time seeing yourself as everyone else does.”

  “Pardon?” I gasped into the thin air, even as my reflection scratched at a sore.

  It chuckled. “Don’t tell me you were expecting something different! Remember, I’m a reflection of your soul, not your mortal body.”

  “So why am I ugly, then?” I blurted out, a drop of sweat falling from my chin to the pool, sending out little ripples across my reflection’s – my soul’s- face.

  My reflection grinned. “Because, silly, your soul is directly related to your actions. For every bad or good action, there is a change to your reflection – me.” It let out a huff. “I used to be pretty, until you grew up a bit. Now, I’m this.”

  “So, because I’ve done bad things, my soul is ugly?” I whispered heartbrokenly.

  My reflection shrugged. “Uhh, yeah. Didn’t I just say that?”

  Tears pricked my eyes. “This is what everyone sees? They see you?”

  It yawned. “Yep. Don’t you ever meet someone and see something similar to me?”

  I paused, then nodded. Yes, I had seen others who looked like this. Well, I’d felt it more than I’d seen it, if that makes any sense, but I’d always pushed it away, but now, I understood. If people saw that, that thing when they looked at me, then no wonder sometimes they backed away.

  “Why aren’t I pretty?” I whispered, thinking of all the good things I’d done in my life, how I’d given to charity and helped others.

  My reflection gave me a dirty look. “Really? Weren’t you listening? Your actions dictate my looks. Pretty obvious you’ve done some bad things. Scratch that. A lot of bad things, more bad than good.”

  I opened my mouth in anger, but my reflection held up a clawed hand. “Don’t argue. Think about it. What was the last thing you said to your sister?”

  I thought back for a moment, remembering the irritation I’d felt at my sibling, all because I’d had a bad day. “I told her she was ugly,” I slowly replied, a blush creeping up my neck as I recalled the way I’d flung the hateful words at her, how her eyes had filled with hurt.

  “Do you think that was a good action or a bad action?” came the next question, and I sighed.

  “Bad.”

 
“Right, so therefore, it added to my charming looks.”

  “But I’ve done good,” I insisted, a tear escaping its prison to trickle down my cheek.

  “Really?” It gestured to itself. “Clearly not very much, otherwise, I’d be a lot prettier.”

  “I don’t believe you!” I yelled at it, now crying, and it reached a gnarled hand up, breaking the surface of the pool. Touching my cheek, it said,

  “Please, don’t be angry. I can change. It you start doing good things instead of bad, I’ll become pretty again!”

  “You’re lying!” I screamed at it. “I hate you!”

  “Close your eyes,” it said, “and I’ll show you the truth. I’ll show you why I’m- you’re so ugly.” It pulled its hand back into the water and closing my eyes, I saw my life begin to play in my mind like a movie, the life of my soul next to it.

  I saw my soul as it’d been created, pure and beautiful, saw the scar on its forehead appear the day I’d first called someone ugly. The scar faded away when I later apologized, but a sore took its place when I disobeyed my mom.

  My life shifted forward, to when I’d called a boy in school fat, then to the time I yelled at someone in anger, and no longer did I apologize and mean it, no longer did I try to turn from my ways. The older I got, the uglier my soul became, the less good I did, the more I focused on myself.

  It hit me then, even as my reflection consoled me, and I let out a sob as I saw the truth. Every time I’d called someone fat, it hadn’t diminished their value – it’d diminished mine. Every time I’d called someone ugly, it hadn’t changed their appearance, it’d changed mine. Every time I said, ‘I hate you,’ or, ‘you’re stupid,’ it didn’t make my victims those things. It didn’t make them ugly or dumb or any of the things I said. It made me those things. My reflection really was me.

  “Don’t despair,” my reflection whispered as I opened my eyes. “This can change.”

  “But how?” I cried. “You’re so ugly!”

  “No,” came the quiet reply. “You’re ugly.” After a moment, it said, “It’ll take time, but if you change your ways, if you change your actions from bad to good, I’ll change, too.” It looked deep into my eyes. “But will you make that decision? Will you really change? This doesn’t have to be who you are.”

  My reflection lowered its voice. “But in order for this to happen, you have to admit there needs to be a change, so, be honest with yourself. Do you like what you see?”

  Footnote: ‘die Richtigkeit’ is German for truth.

  ‘The Pool Of Reflection’ was a strange story to write. I’d seen a post on Facebook that had said something along the lines of ‘What if you could see the reflection of your soul?’ It resonated in my heart, and it kept coming to my mind for months to follow, until one night I finally sat down and started writing. Just like with ‘The Artist’ I had no idea what would happen once I touched my pen to paper, but something did, and not only did I (well, God, actually) write a story, I found myself looking inside, exploring my heart and soul, and coming away feeling more than a little ashamed. Just like in the story, I was not happy with my soul’s reflection, but God showed me that I could change, and that it didn’t have to be a horrible little demon looking back at me anymore, and more than anything else, that’s the message I want to convey with this story.

  I often joke that if I were to touch my soul, my hand would come away covered in black glitter, but, to be honest, if I was able to touch my soul, I pray it would come away white as snow.

  While I do say in the story that your actions change you, I in no way mean this as a way of salvation, for salvation is by grace. I do believe, however, that being a good person is critical to your soul’s well-being, and this story serves as a reminder that unless I want to be scared witless next time I look inside, I had better be doing my utmost best to be living what I preach.

 

  Positivity vs Negativity

  If you're like me, you've heard your mom say a thousand, if not a million times the old adage, 'A positive input means a positive outcome' or something similar. But how many of us have taken that to heart? Have you ever really thought about the wisdom and significance of those words? Taking that quote to heart can have a large impact on your life, both on the day-to-day basis, and in the long run. You truly can choose the outcome of your situations - as in, will they be negative or positive? - and it all comes from your heart and your brain.

  It's very easy to say that, but it's a bit harder to actually commit to always putting in positive thoughts and feelings into your life, but just like with any habit, you can learn, and over time, it will become something that you do without even thinking about it. No matter what you are doing, if you start the task by saying and believing that it will have a positive outcome, it will. And that's the trick. Many people believe that having a positive outlook on their life means believing things will go the way they want them to, but that's not it. A positive outcome is often what we didn't plan, didn't expect, and didn't think of, rather than what we wanted, and for many of us, that's a hard thing to grasp. So, by determining that you will have a positive experience with something doesn't mean it will go the way you want it to. I could have a positive attitude about going for a driver's license test, but that doesn't mean I'll pass. What's the positive thing about that? I learned something. My eyes were opened to something they had been closed to before. And that's what positive thinking is all about. It's about a deeper understanding of yourself, others, and this crazy thing we call life. It's not about getting what we want, it's about affecting as many people as possible with good vibes. It’s about gaining a deeper sense of happiness and serving others.

  On the flip side, if you put negative thoughts into your life, you will have negative outcomes. If I went to that driving test with a negative mindset, whether I pass or not, I will only dwell on the bad things. I will see faults in myself and others that don't matter in the grand scheme of life, and I will be stressed, worried, and curt. My mind will be closed, and I will have learned nothing. My negative attitude, even if I am only that way in one part of my life, will soon begin to seep into every aspect of my life, and I will never see the good, I will never learn, my mind will be closed, and I will only have a shallow idea of myself and others. Negative thinking always leads to a negative outcome. Negative thinking leads to depression, anger, fear, and the inability to enjoy life, and enjoy others. Negative thinking, negative words, and an overall negative attitude will get me nowhere. I will be stuck spinning my wheels because I refuse to learn, I refuse to open my heart and my mind, and I refuse to believe that an outcome other than what I wanted could be good.

  Choose today to have positive thoughts. Make a habit of complimenting yourself and others, and mean it. At the end of each day, think back over the good things, no matter how small, that happened. Think about the things you learned, the understanding and knowledge that you gained, and what you can do with it. By having this attitude, you will go far. With an open mind and a positive attitude, you will be more willing to go through doors will lead you to where you need to be. You will have more friends, and an overall happier life. You are like a pool of water. You can have white caps of anger, frustration, and negativity roll off of you and into others’ lives, or you can have gentle ripples and waves of positivity, happiness, and an easy-going manner that soothes and calms.

  Choose today to be positive, and leave your negative thoughts in the trash. Be a voice of happiness in a world of negativity.

  ‘Positivity vs Negativity’ is a little blog I wrote a while back that really smacked me upside the head. On a whole, I’m neither an optimist nor a pessimist, but rather, a realist, but at the time, I’d been feeling really down about pretty much everything in life. Sitting down and writing this article for my blog really opened my eyes to the importance of choosing to see the good in life. It also taught me to accept the bad, but not dwell on it. I found that by choosing to be positive
no matter what, I was happier altogether, even if the outcome wasn’t what I wanted, and always looking for the good rather than always seeking the negative made me look forward to things, forgive easier, and love harder.

  Goodbye

  One day, you’re not gonna be able to hold me down

  One day, my feet are gonna leave the ground

  I’m spreading my wings, getting ready to leave

  And try as you may, you won’t be able to stop me

  It’s time I stopped living for you

  And started chasing my own dreams

  It’s time to finally let go

  And dare to believe

  You’ve held me in chains for far too long

  And at last I’ve found the strength to break them

  Your voice of doubt is going to fade away

  And my sovereign you’ll not stay

  You have a name, and yes, I dare to speak it

  Your name is Fear, and I’m letting you go

  It’s time for us to stop being lovers

  My dear, we can’t be friends any longer

  This is it, this is the end

  I’m saying goodbye, bidding you farewell

  God’s giving my life a brand-new start

  And in it you’ll take no part

  Goodbye, Fear, and all your comrades

  I’ve packed my bags and my heart too

  I knew you too long and I’m not sad to leave

  I’m out the door, I’m living for me

  Goodbye, Fear, and all the troubles you bring

  Hello, World…Are you ready for me?

  I’ve never written a poem as fast I wrote this one. The words just seemed to fly out of my pen and it was a hit with my writing group. I’ve always been a timid person, and this was me kicking a bit of that timidness (which, after a while proves to only be a hindrance) out the door. While I still struggle with fear every now and then, writing this poem really helped me release it, and if you’re wrestling with the same thing, I encourage you do what I did. Find something that scares the living daylights out of you, and do it anyways. (;